brave smile

I always wear the brave smile.
So you go again, Gary. He goes, Hulvey too.
They went. Somewhere.
I feel constantly abandoned, finding corpses
in my papers in the basement. Finding
my limbs removed and replaced with metal
fixtures. I always
make those excuses.
You pay the rent.
She writes occasional letters.
He helped me once.
He said I wrote well.
I live in fear,
waiting for the next one gone.
I smoke too much drink too
much can't remember
dreams, good & bad. I
crave unnatural sex as a way out
of this haunted house
pretending to be a writer
almost daily.
wearing that brave smile
dreaming of cutting
your silly throat
I always
end up a coward
in these sheets

it's not liberation folks,
its expiation
and finally redemption
I need another chance