memory & remorse

I told my wife I would never say anything
that could be interpreted as self pity. I wonder
if that is possible. First thing to go would be
these poems, this entire site. I'd need to chop
it off whole, like amputating a limb. Most
of these pieces ache with my recognition of
loss and failure. Was that the reason for their
construction? Was I building an edifice
to signify the ego's need, even in the final
sum of days? I told her this last evening, this
grand gesture, meant to say I won't hurt you
and of course she apologized to me after that
but I said you only said it because it is true
and one thing about my wife she doesn't
make things up or twist another person's words
to score points in the battle. that was my last
wife the one who I was lucky enough she left me
and my self pity. And it is true, I've enough
sad feelings for this life I've led that I really
don't need any outside sympathy. I can stew
on my own, in my own words. I can review
the days, like making an examination of conscience
which I did daily when I was in catholic grade
school. It is those hard questions most of us
ignore until too late. Hubris is the one real flaw
that ego weilds as its main weapon. All those
other mild forms of moral lapse are really hubris
at heart. Particularly greed and the use of power.
and truth is I am as infected by a normal ego
as anyone else on this rock