the insurmountable nature of desire

there are two roads that track each other
fear and desire
sometimes these ribbons run together
sometimes they cross each other
sometimes one or the other will double back

I am in a vehicle, my body,
that drives along this track
it's fuel is time and since time
never stops then this vehicle
never stops

one day I will fall down dead of course
and my version of this journey
will have gotten to wherever it got to

some days I realize I am on fear's highway
and those days I seem to go ever faster or
ever slower its a perceptive reality
some days I recognize my true path
is always the path of desire
though what or who it is that I desire
is never quite clear

but Nabokov said that what his book, lolita,
was really about was
the insurmountable nature of desire

so do I wish to overcome desire?
the buddha advises it
and if I do, is it even possible?
isn't what vladimir is saying here
that desire cannot be controlled
and inevitably destroys the self?

I got to wonder about this.

the story on hemingway was
that he killed himself because he couldn't
get a stiffy anymore now that I'm sixty-ish
I have a little more sympathy for that
than I once did.

did he have desire but the inability
to act on it destroyed him? so desire
ultimately destroyed him?

and my desires are not just that one
desire, no more really the wishes in
my heart have more to do with
opening the path to those others
I love and cherish, wife and kids

what is it that is left for me to see
in the distant mirror what is left to
fear the sharp noise of failure
whistling in my ears each morning's
memory of a hardon echoes that
past of giving into passions
right or wrong good or bad
the mistakes I learned from
the children that I had

this is just an exercise in
an al gebra that doesn't exist
geometry I could do
symbolic logic structures
suddenly eat the holy self
the worm ourobouros
can I see into my own heart?