the way in

these are the clues:
they come in dreams and people
on the street you shouldn't recognize
you seek a rationale

leslie says how did you know
to turn at University?
how did you know it was
the gray brick building?
you can't keep telling me
you're just lucky this has gone
on too many years now

it is knowing the lyrics
to wake up little suzi
and thinking your father fought
in korea, which he did
but he wasn't a marine
he flew a fighter jet
he was decorated

you know too much about losers
your dreams are too detailed
there are always voices
singing in your head
only because you know it
can't be magic do you posit
insanity but even that
isn't sufficient
leslie says it must be
a crossword puzzle
and you say
I won't go to a shrink
leslie offers his e-meter
you stagger your fortunes
and hold that out as last resort

you are determined to know
you make additions daily
the fragrances take on
varieties of meaning
you are told about calculus
by the brilliant lisa
and you come to realize
you need a calculus of dreams

there are no rigid forms
your strength turns spiritual
leslie sees the exorcist and
thinks solution, but you know
this has nothing to do with salem
you start to read ray chandler
you think algebraically
you list the clues
you remember too well
nothing suggests itself
your image in the mirror
lies like a double exposure
on your eyelids
you search for an explanation
in your sleep

This piece is one of a number of poems circling the corpse of Strange Sins, my reincarnation detective story. In this book Anastasia (last name, Sands, to my regret there is now a porn star with this name, thus giving me unwanted hits from around the world), a seventeen year old girl, who turns out to be the reincarnation of another girl who was murdered by her incestuous brother. This poem is from her POV. Her young sibling is named Leslie. Lisa is her friend, but also a rival for the affections of Sweet Sam. The novel is told from the point of view of an older man, Frank Marlowe, who is summering in the Michigan resort of Saugatuck. He's a high school teacher, but he is also attracted to the girl and comes to know the story. It is with Frank's help that Stasia discovers the mummified corpse of her previous self, Miranda.

This poem pre-dates Frank's entry into the story. I struggled with how to write this book for quite awhile, trying it in numerous voices and both present and past tense. Finally I invented Frank, who is clearly a doppelganger for myself. I discovered this character shortly before Pat Smith and I moved next door to Cheryl. So, for me, Strange Sins becomes part of the complex failure of romance, heart, and judgement that characterizes most of my life between 1979 and 1993. I never could go back to this book after the affair with Alison..